Many individuals struggle to understand what it truly means to love yourself. At its core, loving yourself involves acting as an unconditionally loving parent to your inner child and to yourself. Unfortunately, many people were raised by parents who did not know how to love themselves, let alone give unconditional love to their children. As a result, many seek external validation through achievements or people-pleasing to obtain the love they need; however, the only sustainable source of self-love comes from within.
Loving yourself encompasses prioritizing, encouraging, protecting, and caring for yourself. There is an inner child within you that needs your nurturing and love to truly flourish and lead a fulfilling life.
In this article, we will explore 10 actionable ways you can cultivate deep self-love.
1. Decide You Are Good Enough
Many people struggle with feelings of inadequacy, constantly comparing themselves to others and questioning their worth. But what if you are already enough, just as you are? Consider the possibility that you are a multidimensional being who chose to experience life on Earth. The Universe wanted to experience itself through the uniqueness of you. That is how special you are! Your true essence is perfect, pure, and unconditionally loved by the Universe. You are a divine spark, a fractal of the whole, carrying within you all the wisdom and potential of the Universe itself. I know this sounds pretty "woo woo," but keep an open mind that this could be true. I believe it about myself, and I believe it about you.
From a higher perspective, your soul is on a journey of growth and evolution. Earth seems to be a virtual reality video game school for the advancement of souls, and we are all playing on expert mode. Unlike in the spiritual realms where love and unity are ever-present, Earth presents duality, separation, and intense emotional experiences. This is not a punishment but an opportunity—a sacred challenge that only the bravest souls, including you, have chosen to undertake.
Your body and life circumstances were not randomly assigned; they were carefully chosen to support your soul’s evolution. You may feel that you are not attractive enough, successful enough, or worthy enough, but these are illusions shaped by societal conditioning, family beliefs, and past trauma. In truth, you are not your body, your job, your relationships, or any external measure of success. You are the consciousness animating your existence, the observer behind your thoughts. Just as an actor in a play embodies different roles, you are embodying the role of you in this lifetime—learning, growing, and evolving through every challenge and triumph.
When you compare yourself to others, whose standards are you using? Society's? Family's? Religion's? None of these external measures can define your worth. You get to create your own standards—ones that are rooted in loving yourself, self-care, and authenticity. Instead of measuring success by status or wealth, consider evaluating it by the depth of self-love you cultivate (especially considering all the painful experiences you have been through that can erode self-love.) The planet needs more people who truly love themself. This would be an immense gift to help raise the vibration of the world. What if your worth was defined not by perfection, but by your courage to keep going regardless of the size of your steps forward or back?
You are not too much or not enough of anything—you are exactly as you are meant to be for the experience your soul came here to have. The decision to accept yourself unconditionally is yours to make. You can choose to honor your journey, trust in your path, and recognize that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough, just as you are. If choosing to decide that you are enough proves to be really challenging, you might look at Inner child healing as most limiting beliefs about yourself are formed in childhood.
2. Eliminate Negative Self-Talk
There is never an appropriate time to be mean or judgmental with yourself. You will make mistakes and experience big, messy emotions—this is part of your life journey, and there is no reason to be critical of yourself. You and your inner child have already been through so much pain; you do not deserve any more. Every thought and word are recorded by your subconscious, meaning your inner child hears everything.
The subconscious is very literal and does not grasp the concept of “just kidding” or “not.” If you are being sarcastic or self-deprecating, your subconscious—and likely your inner child—will not understand that. You are programming yourself negatively, especially if you are feeling strong negative emotions at the same time. According to Dr. Bruce Lipton, the average person already has 60% negative programs from childhood. Instead of reinforcing negative patterns, you can choose to speak to yourself with kindness, rewriting the messages you may have absorbed in childhood.
Always talk in the affirmative, as this is the only language the subconscious understands. Saying, "I am not bad," has a similar impact on your cells as saying, "I am bad." When "I" is brought up with any concept like "bad," it will be registered together. Even though "not" was included, it does not take away the correlation between "I" and "stupid." Be mindful of what you say always, especially when you are feeling negative emotions, as your brain is more open to suggestions when you pair thoughts with strong emotions (either positive or negative).
Keep in mind, a lot of your self-negativity is looped or programmed and likely a repeat of things caregivers said to you as a child. Simply notice when you are being unkind to yourself and override it with something loving and compassionate. If you catch yourself speaking harshly, pause and gently correct it. Imagine comforting a child who just made a mistake—your inner child needs that same reassurance.
Here are some loving ways to shift negative self-talk:
I am sorry I said that. I did not mean that.
I am sorry I took my stress out on you. You do not deserve that.
I love you, honey.
I am proud of you.
We are figuring it out.
It is okay to make mistakes.
I really like who you are as a person.
By consistently practicing positive self-talk, you can rewire your thought patterns, leading to improved mental well-being and a more nurturing relationship with yourself. This practice is a powerful way to love yourself and honor your inner child's need for compassion and understanding.
3. Embrace the "We" Perspective
Recognizing and nurturing your inner child is a vital step toward self-compassion and healing. By shifting your self-talk to include this inner child, you foster a sense of internal family and support. This is especially valuable if you have a challenging or missing relationship with your family of origin. This "we" mindset can be cultivated through simple yet powerful changes in your internal dialogue.
Practical Steps to Foster the "We" Mindset:
Inclusive Self-Talk: When making decisions or reflecting on experiences, use inclusive language that acknowledges your inner child.
For example:
What should we do right now?
What do we want to eat?
We did such a good job!
Acknowledge Shared Experiences: Recognize that both your adult self and inner child share present day experiences and emotions.
When I feel heaviness, I talk to myself with tenderness saying things like:
I am sorry this is so hard.
I am here with you.
We will get through this together.
Engage in Activities Together: Participate in activities that your inner child enjoys, such as drawing, listening to music, or spending time in nature. Doing so reinforces the bond between your adult self and inner child. Happiness is something that comes from noticing how wonderful the present moment is.
I might say things to my inner child like:
Wow! That sunset is so beautiful!
We are so lucky to be here right now.
It is really fun to be with you.
By embracing the "we" perspective, you cultivate an internal sense of support,
encouragement, reassurance, and family, which empowers you to love yourself more deeply.
4. Boundaries Are Non-Negotiable When It Comes to Loving Yourself
Establishing and maintaining personal boundaries is a fundamental aspect of self-love and self-respect. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable in your interactions with others, ensuring that your needs and values are honored. No one (unless you have small children) is entitled to your time, energy, money or body. It is always ok to change your mind with new information. Boundaries can be scary, and you may lose love and acceptance from others, but that is ok. Safe people who deserve to be in your life will respect your boundaries even if they initially get upset or don’t like them.
At the core of boundaries is self-worth and self-esteem. Most people struggle to some degree with feeling good enough, people pleasing or bringing up tough issues that might cause a conflict. These issues are exacerbated if you experienced significant abuse or neglect with dangerous, emotionally unavailable or inconsistent caregivers. I invite you to view the Inner Child page to learn more about how your inner child is affecting your day to day life.
The Importance of Setting Boundaries:
Self-Protection: Boundaries act as a shield against behaviors and situations that may harm or drain you. You are the only person who can truly protect yourself, and that is the very essence of loving yourself.
Preservation of Values: Establishing boundaries helps you stay true to your core values. It allows you to say no to situations and people that conflict with your principles, ensuring that your actions align with your authentic self. When you say yes to something that conflicts with your core values, you compromise your integrity and lie to yourself, which erodes self-trust and self-love.
Enhancement of Self-Worth: By asserting your boundaries, you communicate to yourself and others that your well-being is a priority. You teach others what is an acceptable way to treat you. Always honor yourself.
Setting boundaries is not about building walls to keep others out; rather, it's about creating a healthy framework that fosters personal growth and strengthens relationships. By establishing clear limits, you invest in the longevity and quality of your connections, ensuring they can continue to grow and exist in a healthy capacity.
Recognizing the internal signals that indicate a desire to decline a request is crucial for maintaining your well-being and honoring your personal boundaries.
Here are some common red flags that suggest you may want to say no:
Feeling Obligated: You sense that accepting the request is the "nice" or "right" thing to do, driven by external expectations rather than your genuine desire.
Perceived Duty: You feel a strong sense of obligation or duty, even when it conflicts with your personal needs or priorities.
Inability to Decline: You believe you cannot say no, perhaps due to fear of disappointing others or facing potential conflict.
Physical Discomfort: You experience sensations like tightness, uneasiness, or constriction in areas such as your stomach, heart, or throat when considering the request.
Emotional Distress: Strong emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment arise at the thought of agreeing to the request.
These indicators suggest that saying yes may compromise your well-being or personal values. It's essential to listen to these signals and recognize that declining a request is a valid and necessary aspect of self-care.
5. Rescue Yourself
Many adults hold onto a secret fantasy that some outside force or person will come rescue them from their problems like financial issues, loneliness, or lack of self-worth. Taking responsibility for your own needs and desires is a fundamental aspect of prioritizing and loving yourself. While seeking support from others is valuable, it's essential to cultivate the ability to address and nurture your own emotional and physical well-being.
Prioritize Personal Needs:
Allocate Alone Time: This can feel especially challenging if you have a family or many obligations, but everyone needs time to themselves where no one is asking anything of them. This is not selfish or indulgent—it is essential for your health. In the book, When the Body Says No, Dr. Gabor Maté explains how many illnesses and chronic conditions are linked to doing too much for others and not enough for yourself. The body will eventually demand rest if you do not allow it.
Boundaries with yourself: Part of rescuing yourself is making the tough decisions and doing things you don't want to do in the moment but are crucial to your goals or thriving such as skipping dessert, staying in your budget or going for the walk or workout. Balanced discipline is self-love in action. It is ok to be flexible with the changing circumstances of life.
Self-Compassion: All of your feelings are valid and are appropriate responses to stored trauma, trapped emotions, and the current state of your nervous system. Instead of judging yourself, give yourself the kindness you would show a hurt little child. Don’t power through or ignore your pain—pause, process, and recharge.
You might tell yourself:
It is ok to be upset.
This is really hard.
This is really deep stuff.
I am here with you.
I know it feels heavy now, but we will get through it.
Your Inner Child’s Needs Matter
According to A Gift to Myself by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D., all humans share certain core needs. While many of these needs involve relationships with others, you can also meet these needs within yourself by being the loving presence your inner child longed for.
Some of these universal needs include:
✔ Survival & safety
✔ Physical touch & nurturing
✔ Validation & respect
✔ Acceptance & belonging
✔ Freedom to be your authentic self
✔ Support & trust
✔ Fun, play, and creativity
✔ Love—especially unconditional love
Seek External Support When Needed
While self-reliance is empowering, it is also important to recognize when to ask for help. Isolation and over-independence are trauma responses—often a learned pattern from growing up in an environment where support wasn’t available.
You are not meant to be a lone island. Humans are wired for connection, and thriving often requires external support. Whether it’s friends, family, community, or professional help, building a support system is an essential part of self-rescue.
6. Prioritize Yourself
Recognize that you are the most important person in your life. No one else knows you as well as you do, so no one else has the same capacity to love, nurture, or care for you the way you can. Many people excel at taking care of and loving others but miss the mark when it comes to loving themselves.
You are number one—period.
Think of your life as your personal video game, where you are the star player. It’s your responsibility to make sure your character/avatar thrives and navigates life as best as possible. Other people are in charge of their own avatars, and while we co-star in each other's lives, offering support or companionship, you are the main character of your own journey.
The Balancing Act: You Come First
This can be an uncomfortable realization, especially if you have children, but consider the idea that you are at least 0.1% more important than your child. This doesn’t mean neglecting your child—it means recognizing that you cannot pour from an empty cup.
If you continuously self-sacrifice, you will eventually deplete yourself, making it harder to be the best version of yourself—as a parent, partner, or friend. Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s an investment in fully showing up for your life.
The Capacity to Give and Receive Love
Your ability to receive love is a skill.
Think of someone who always dismisses compliments—they likely have no idea how to give themselves one either. Self-love expands your capacity to give and receive love, and the more you cultivate it, the more love you can share with the world.
Loving yourself isn’t just for you—it is a gift to everyone around you. By prioritizing yourself, you set a powerful example, creating healthier, deeper, and more fulfilling relationships.
Making yourself a priority isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
When you love yourself first, you naturally become the best version of yourself in all areas of life. This is an investment with priceless returns—for both you and those you care about.
You are worth it.
7. Practice Self-Discipline
Most people struggle with motivation because our brains are overloaded with quick-release dopamine from our phones. This overstimulation depletes motivation, making even simple tasks feel overwhelming. Waiting for motivation to strike? You might be waiting a long time.
Instead, embrace self-discipline—a profound act of self-love that lays the foundation for personal growth and well-being. Whether you achieve your goals or not is not as important as working on them. Someone must be the loving but firm parent to the parts inside that want to procrastinate—that someone is you. You are the one who has the power to prevent you from looking back and wishing and wondering. Start small. Baby steps are far more sustainable than grand, unrealistic shifts.
Implementing Self-Discipline
Establish Healthy Routines
Routines may feel boring at times, but they keep you on track. Morning and nighttime routines are especially powerful because your subconscious mind is more receptive to positive reinforcement 30 within the 30 minutes of waking or going to sleep.
Set Boundaries with Content
Protect your mental and emotional well-being by limiting exposure to negative or addictive content. This includes certain TV shows, movies, and social media that leave you feeling depleted rather than uplifted. Loving yourself is avoiding violent TV before bed, so your nervous system and inner child can feel safe and ready for sleep.
Try this: Avoid turning on your phone for at least 15 minutes after waking up. Protect your open subconscious from a potentially stressful algorithm.
Pursue Personal Development
Even just a few minutes a day of working toward a meaningful goal can provide a more rewarding dopamine boost—one that builds real momentum, rather than draining it.
Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of yourself with lotion, supplements, self-massage, stretching, or mindful movement may not always feel convenient but there’s a small child inside you who deserves that level of love and care. Do it for them.
8. Be Brave
The world has conditioned you to be afraid. Unfortunately, the more you are afraid of, the more these things become possibilities. When we have negative thoughts paired with intense emotions, we are manipulating the very fabric of reality to create circumstances that bring these things into our reality.
You are the star of your video game and your video game is constantly changing in response to your subconscious beliefs, thoughts and emotions. Science has shown that almost no physical matter truly exists—our reality is essentially light in the form of photons. (Hence a video game!) Even more fascinating? Your emotions—positive or negative—directly affect the photons around you.
Be the brave creator of your video game. Take charge. While you may not be able to control everything, you can control your response and the signal you are putting out into the world.
When you feel nervous, anxious or scared this is a great time to give yourself love and comforting words (as if talking to a child.)
I can feel how worried you are. Let me take care of this. I always find a way.
I trust the Universe/God is looking out for us. Let’s not worry about this and trust we are ok.
I will always make sure you are ok. I may not know how to resolve this right now, but I am sure I will find the solution.
We have felt stuck before and something always shifts eventually.
Life can change quickly. Let’s do our best to stay optimistic.
In order to give yourself reassuring words (especially when you are feeling some challenging emotions) you need work on your nervous system on a daily basis to help regulate your emotions. The more stressed you are, the more difficult (at times impossible) it is to have positive thoughts.
Check out my blog article on How To Regulate Your Nervous System for practical easy tips. Loving yourself is daily nervous system support.
9. Speak to Your Body with Love and Compassion
You could not be on this Earthly journey without your body. It is your avatar, your closest ally, and it works tirelessly for you every single day. Your body has had to experience all of the consequences of your choices, emotions, stress, sleepless nights, and overworking—and yet, it continues to show up for you.
Every cell in your body has consciousness and responds to your thoughts, emotions, and words. The body loves being acknowledged and thrives on love. A vital step in loving yourself is learning to love and honor your body.
Your Body Is Uniquely Yours
Your body is exactly as it is meant to be. You were given the perfect body for the experience you came here to have.
Let go of comparing yourself to others because everyone is on a unique journey with their unique body—shaped by different soul life plans, ancestral trauma, DNA, childhood and adult trauma, subconscious beliefs, and how they have treated their body.
Your body is not responsible for these factors—so always offer it kindness, patience, and love.
Honor Your Life Energy
Your body holds precious life force energy. To truly love yourself, be mindful of where you direct that energy.
Are certain people or situations draining your energy?
Are you giving your sacred sexual energy to someone who does not deserve it?
Not everyone or everything is worthy of your life force energy. Part of deep self-love is protecting and honoring the energy within you.
You are not your body, but your body is your greatest companion in this Earth experience. It deserves love, respect, and appreciation. Speak to your body with the kindness you would offer a dear friend. Because your body is always listening.
10. Open Your Mind to the Possibility of the Divine Inside You
What if there is no such thing as "other"—only different expressions of the same Consciousness?
All of us are fractal aspects of the One Consciousness that animates our entire Universe. Some call it God, Source Energy, Prime Creator, or the Universe—and you do not have to seek it outside of yourself.
It is within you. It is you.
Open your mind to this possibility—that the Divine is not separate from you but exists within you, as you.
Loving Yourself is Expanding Love to All
When you love yourself, you are not just loving one individual—you are expanding love to the entire Universe.
When you love the Consciousness that created you, you are loving yourself.
When you love “another” person, you are loving yourself.
We are all connected, and your self-love radiates outward, influencing everything around you.
A Synchronicity That Showed This to Me
In 2016, I attended a party with over 3,000 people in San Francisco. I started playing a game in my mind that everyone was a different version of me. As I looked around, I thought, Wow, I look good tonight! or I’m really enjoying myself!—seeing each person as a reflection of me.
Then, I ran into someone I knew and shared my game with her.
Moments later, I sat down nearby—next to another person I knew. (At a party of 3,000 people!) As I looked at him, I noticed his shirt. It read: "I AM YOU!"
I thought to myself: Well played Universe. Well played!
Closing thoughts
Loving yourself is not optional; it's essential. Many mystical teachings suggest that the purpose of life is to learn to love, and this includes loving yourself. If you're struggling to feel love in your heart, consider spending time with an animal. Often, it's easier to feel love for a special animal friend. Remember, you are just as lovable and precious as that adorable animal. Transfer the love you feel for them to yourself—you deserve and need that love. Self-love is the foundation of healing; the more you love yourself, the more you can heal.
If this concept is challenging or if you'd like support in deepening your self-love, I invite you to book a free Discovery Call. We can discuss your healing goals and how I can best support you. I look forward to speaking with you soon. Remember, loving yourself more is a gift to the world.
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